


So Close to Losing Control

by whispered_story



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Accidents, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon, Some angst, hurt Philip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-08 20:34:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11654235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whispered_story/pseuds/whispered_story
Summary: He thinks this moment, these few short seconds as the bike slides out from under him and they crash will join the list of things Lukas will have nightmares about for the rest of his life.Lukas and Philip get into an accident and Lukas freaks out.





	So Close to Losing Control

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jameee25](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jameee25/gifts).



> beta'd by [dancing_adrift](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dancing_Adrift) ♥
> 
> Title taken from Kris Kristofferson's "Give It Time to Be Tender".
> 
> Written for [jameee25](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jameee25), who asked for Lukas and Philip getting into an accident with the bike. Sorry it took me forever to write this, bb!
> 
> With gorgeous art by [Ilana Kashi](https://twitter.com/Ilanakashi3). Check out her twitter and leave her some love!

 

It happens quickly.

One second everything is fine and the next a car rounds the corner ahead of them, going way above the speed limit. It swerves over to Lukas's side of the street, tires squealing as they skid over wet pavement. But the noise is barely audible over the music that comes blaring from the car.

Lukas feels Philip's arms tightening around him at the same time as his stomach drops, and he jerks the bike to the right and off the road. The car misses them, but just barely, and then it just keeps going. 

Lukas feels the bike start slipping on the ground, before tipping sideways.

"Shit. Shit," he curses. His right knee hits the ground, scrapes against it, but the pain is nothing compared to panic he feels when Philip starts losing his grip on him.

Lukas has taken countless spills. Scraped knees and bruises and a few broken bones — he's had all of those. But he's never crashed with Philip on the bike with him. He thinks this moment, these few short seconds as the bike slides out from under him and they crash will join the list of things Lukas will have nightmares about for the rest of his life.

Hitting the ground hurts, but it's not too bad. Lukas knows how to fall. Knows what to expect, and also what to do and what not to do in order to minimize the damage. The bike, luckily, keeps sliding, ending up next to them rather than on top of them.

Lukas pushes himself up and starts tugging his helmet off.

"Philip," he says, muffled before he can get the helmet off properly and repeats, louder, panicked. "Philip!"

Philip rolls onto his back and groans, hands going for his own helmet.

"Wait. You could be seriously injured. Did you hit your head? Does anything hurt?"

Philip says something too muffled for Lukas to understand, and pulls his helmet off. Lukas can see one of his palm is scraped raw, a mess of dirt and blood that's starting to well up. 

He feels sick.

His knee hurts and his shoulder aches a little, but he knows he's not hurt too badly.

Philip though — Philip's face is pale and there's blood smeared on his lip, too. Panic tightens around Lukas's chest like a thick band, squeezing his lungs, making it hard to breathe, to talk.

He reaches out with shaking fingers when Philip starts sitting up, helping him as carefully as he can. 

"Philip," he manages.

Philip gives him a pained smile. "'m okay," he says and then hisses as he shifts. 

"You're not," Lukas says, his hands hovering next to Philip's body, not quite daring to touch. His stomach is all in knots. 

Just a few months ago, Lukas swore to himself to make sure Philip would never get hurt again. That he would never hurt Philip again. And he knows this isn't _really_ his fault, but he was the one driving the bike, the one who caused the spill even if he didn't mean to, couldn't prevent it.

"It's nothing," Philip says to him.

Lukas tells himself there's no use in crying. Not out here, not in public, even though he wants to. But he can do that later, when he has Philip back home, safe and sound. Then he can crawl into bed with him, curl up around him, and cry because Philip got hurt. Again.

If Helen and Gabe let him inside, that is, let him stay over after what just happened. What he did. And if they don't... Lukas can't even think about that, can't imagine having to go home tonight and not being able to stay with Philip, to make sure he's okay.

"You're bleeding," he murmurs, his voice cracking. He reaches out and carefully wipes the blood from Philip's lip. The cut seems pretty small, thankfully.

"Oh," Philip says and his tongue follows the path of Lukas's finger. "I must have bit my lip."

"Are you hurt anywhere else? You think you need to go to the hospital?" Lukas asks and takes a shuddering breath. "You probably should, right?"

Philip sighs. "For a bleeding lip and scraped hand?" he asks, looking a little amused, before frowning. "Are you okay?"

"Fine," Lukas says and gives a short, choppy nod. He looks around and his chest still feels too tight. He rubs a hand over it, but it doesn't ease the ache.

"Lukas," Philip murmurs.

"I guess I'll call Helen and Gabe and ask them to come get us," Lukas says, lowering his head. He feels so helpless, out of his depth suddenly. Like the ground's been ripped out from under him, and maybe that's because the ground was never that stable to begin with. 

They're still healing from everything they went through, and Lukas isn't dealing well with things not going as planned these days. The smallest things can upset him sometimes. He can be okay moment and then his emotions will be all over the place the next. His life's a precarious construct, at best, and this accident is pushing him right over the edge he's been teetering on. 

Philip getting hurt isn't something he can handle just yet. He doubts it's something he'll ever be able to handle.

"We can take the bike," Philip points out and slowly starts getting up. Lukas is aching a little, knows from previous experience that he's probably going to have bruises in various places, but he gets up as fast as he can and helps Philip.

"You don't think the damage is too bad or anything, right?" Philip continues.

"The bike?" Lukas asks, a little distracted. "No... maybe you should sit back down. Wait until someone comes to get us."

Philip gives him a look. "I'm okay," he repeats, but Lukas notices that he limps a little as he takes a few steps. His eyes roam over Philip, now that he's standing up, and he suddenly notices the dark patch forming on his knee, blood seeping through scuffed denim.

"Please, Philip?" he murmurs. "You can sit on my jacket, okay?"

He unzips his jacket and shrugs out of it before Philip can argue with him, removing his phone and then spreading the jacket out on the wet ground. Philip gives him a slightly exasperated look, but he sits back down again wordlessly, stretching his legs out.

It's starting to drizzle again, and Lukas silently curses their bad luck. Summer is drawing close, so at least the air is warm and they won't be freezing, but it's been raining on and off all day. Lukas really hopes they won't end up getting sick, too.

The screen of his phone is cracked and Lukas frowns as his fingers skate over it, thumbing open his contacts. As he taps _Philip home_ , he prays it'll be Gabe who picks up. 

"Hello?" 

Helen. 

Lukas swallows thickly and sits down next to Philip. "Hey, Helen," he says, feeling a wave of nerves.

Philip gives him a sympathetic smile.

Things between Lukas and Helen were a bit awkward at first, but it got a lot easier to talk to her over time, to not feel guilty and wonder if she was judging him for the things he's done, the things he's kept a secret. They're fine now, he thinks — Lukas spends enough time over at Philip's house to feel at ease around Helen and Gabe. But she's a lot less relaxed than Gabe is, always worrying, and while Lukas can appreciate that, she makes him feel a bit nervous at times, too. 

"Something wrong, Lukas?" Helen asks, and Lukas thinks she must already know. Must be able to hear it in his voice.

"Philip and I," he starts and licks his lips nervously. "We got into an accident."

He hears Helen's sharp inhale, and he doesn't want her to worry, so he quickly tags on, "We're okay. We just need someone to come get us."

They're not really okay. Philip is _bleeding_ and Lukas is on the verge of tears, but he figures it's best if Helen doesn't know that just yet. 

"Where are you? Do you need an ambulance?" Helen asks.

"No. No, we're good," Lukas reassures her and Philip gives him another smile, even gentler this time. "I just don't think I can drive my bike and get us home right now. Could you come pick us up? Please?"

"I'm already on my way," Helen says, and Lukas feels relief flood through him. "Where are you?"

+

They're huddled together on the jacket when Helen pulls up. Lukas is holding Philip in his arms, futilely attempting to shield him from the rain. It's still just a drizzle, but the wetness has slowly been seeping through their clothes, leaving everything damp and cold.

Lukas springs up and helps Philip stand, and then he wisely moves out of the way. 

Helen pulls Philip into a hug before stepping back and looking him up and down, checking for injuries no doubt. 

Watching them together makes Lukas ache. 

Philip deserves this. Deserves to have people who love him and care for him, and Lukas wishes more than anything he could give Philip his mom back, too. But sometimes he can't help but envy the relationship that he's been building with Gabe and Helen. There are days where he's over at their farm and wishes, more than anything, he didn't ever have to leave, that he could have this too. Gabe's unwavering support and quiet affection, Helen's protectiveness.

As much as things have gotten better for him at home, his dad is still his dad. Years of old habits are impossible to break and a person's core can't be changed. His father isn't someone who hands out hugs and affection, and the old Waldenbeck way of not talking about things is still going strong. 

But Lukas has changed. Lukas now wants things he never dared to want before.

"What happened?" Helen asks, her hands cupping Philip's arms. She looks at Lukas and she isn't glaring, but her gaze is firm. 

She wants to blame him, Lukas can tell. But she's trying to give him the benefit of the doubt — she's been doing that a lot these days, and Lukas appreciates it.

"It wasn't Lukas's fault," Philip says, and Lukas wishes he believed that as firmly as Philip does. "There was another car coming the other way. They were going way too fast and veered over into our lane when they took the corner. Forced us off the road."

"I lost control of the bike," Lukas adds. "I'm sorry."

Helen deflates a little. "Are you okay?" she asks, and she reaches over, wraps her hand around Lukas's wrist and gives it a squeeze.

"I've had worse," he says. "Philip got hurt, though."

"Just a few scrapes. I'm fine — it's nothing a few band-aids won't fix," Philip says, giving Lukas a quick look. Lukas rolls his lower lip between his teeth and shrugs, silently letting Philip know he's not going to lie to Helen. 

"Okay," Helen says, and Lukas thinks she doesn't sound quite as collected as she usually does. "I'll call Tony. Did you guys recognize the driver? Can you tell me what type of car it was?"

"Gray," Philip says with a shrug, and Lukas has to smile a little because Philip knows nothing about cars. He probably wouldn't be able to tell the model even if he got a good look at it.

"Old Honda, I think," Lukas says. "Things were happening kinda fast, but I'm pretty sure."

"Okay. Let's get you guys home, then," Helen says.

"Lukas's bike," Philip points out. 

Helen glances at it.

"Is it okay if we park it a little farther off the road and Tony picks it up later?" she asks, and Lukas nods quickly. He doesn't really care right now. He just wants to get inside, wants him and Philip to get warm and dry and patch up Philip's knee.

+

Back at the farm, Lukas insists he can take care of Philip's scrapes and bruises.

"I've had to patch myself up often enough," he says, and Helen gives in with a sigh.

Philip's bloody jeans are sticking to his scraped knee and Lukas tries to be careful, helping Philip out of them. He kneels in front of Philip, gingerly pushing the pants down.

Philip winces when they peel the fabric away together, and it makes Lukas's stomach twist. Seeing Philip's knee is even worse — it's scraped to hell, bloody and bruised, and Lukas knows it must be hurting a lot. He kisses the unharmed skin underneath.

"I'm sorry," he mutters, and Philip cards his fingers through Lukas's damp hair, pushing it back.

"It wasn't your fault."

Lukas sighs and peers up at Philip, giving a quick nod even though he doesn't quite agree.

Philip's right hand is pretty messed up, too, so Lukas helps him out of the rest of his clothes. He has to breathe out slowly, trying to calm himself down, when he sees the ugly bruise forming on Philip's hip. Lukas's own bruises are harmless compared Philip's.

The rain has left them both cold, skin clammy, so they take a quick, warm shower. 

"Tell me if I hurt you," Lukas says. He forgoes any soap and just rinses them both off with water, keeping his touch careful. 

Lukas didn't think it was possible for him to take a shower with Philip and not want him. To have that perfect body on display for him, pressed close, all naked and wet and beautiful, and not attempt to start something. But his stomach is all twisted up with worry instead of arousal this time, and touching Philip at all feels wrong. They steal a few kisses, but they're chaste and quick — reassuring rather than exciting.

"Nothing happened," Philip murmurs softly, as if he can read Lukas's mind.

"Funny, 'cause I remember us crashing," Lukas replies, a little petulantly, but he needs Philip to stop brushing this off. Maybe they didn't get hurt too badly, but they could have. Philip could have sprained or broken a bone or much worse.

And Lukas needs him to be okay. More than anything he needs Philip to be okay.

Philip cups his cheek and strokes his thumb over Lukas's skin. "Like you said, you've had much worse," he says. "This is nothing."

"Shut up, Philip," Lukas mutters, not unkindly, but looking down at Philip's knee is making him want to cry again and he hates this. Hates everything about this. 

Philip looks puzzled for a moment, then his expression smoothes out. He kisses Lukas, quick and soft. 

"Come on. Let's finish this, patch ourselves up and go lie down a little," he suggests, and Lukas thinks about how it isn't right that Philip is trying to take care of him, make him feel better, when he's the one that got hurt.

Lukas's knee is a little bruised, but he's not even bleeding. He got away unscathed and that sucks, too, because he deserves to be injured more than Philip. He doesn't voice that thought, because he knows Philip would berate him for it, and he doesn't want to argue with him right now.

He turns off the water instead and grabs towels for them. He helps Philip dry off, carefully patting his skin dry without pressing onto any of his injuries, and then he makes Philip sit down on the closed toilet seat.

Helen handed him a first aid kit before they went upstairs, and Lukas pulls out everything he needs, making sure it's all right there so he can fix Philip up as quickly as possible. Despite the shower, he cleans out the abrasion first and then puts some neosporin on it, gritting his teeth each time Philip winces or flinches. He knows it must sting and he tries not to make it any worse than it has to be.

He covers Philip's knee with a big, white band-aid that stands out starkly against his skin. There's nothing much he can do for the bruise on Philip's hip right now, but he makes a mental note to ask Helen for an ice pack. Philip's hand isn't nearly as bad as his knee, and Lukas has that taken care of quickly. 

"What about you?" Philip asks when Lukas tells him he's done.

"I'm okay," Lukas says. 

"Lukas."

"I just have a few bruises," he says and presses a quick kiss to Philip's lip, mindful of the small cut there. "I'll get us some ice. But let's get you into bed first."

"You do know I'm not an invalid, right?" Philip asks. " _I_ 've had worse, too, Lukas. I broke my arm falling off my bike as a kid and I got a concussion during gym class once. This is nothing."

Lukas feels his jaw twitch. "Don't tell me about those things," he mutters, voice pressed.

He doesn't think he can handle the mental images of Philip getting hurt right now. He wants to know everything there is to know about Philip, wants to hear everything Philip is willing to share about his life, but now isn't the right time for those kind of stories. He needs Philip to be completely fine, with not a bruise or scrape on his body, when he tells Lukas about those kind of things.

Lukas rubs the bridge of his nose, and prays the horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach will ease soon.

+

Philip is sprawled out half on top of Lukas, his injured knee resting on top of Lukas's legs, when Gabe peeks his head in. Philip is fast asleep, his breathing even, and Lukas may or may not have been counting each rise and fall of his chest.

"Hey," Gabe whispers, meeting Lukas's eyes. "Philip is sleeping?"

Lukas nods and holds Philip a little more tightly, worried that Gabe is going to tell him that he should be heading home. That he's already done enough damage today.

"How are you guys?"

"Okay," Lukas says. 

It's not really true. Philip seems to be doing okay, physical injuries aside, but Lukas is still a little freaked out, shaken from the accident. Anxiety is making him feel antsy, worry gnawing at his stomach. He figures Gabe doesn't need to know that, though, and he's probably more concerned about Philip anyway.

"I'm going to go get some take-out," Gabe says. "Do you guys need anything else?"

Lukas chews on the corner of his bottom lip and tells himself to be brave. "Uh, would it be okay if I stayed the night?" he asks, hesitantly.

It's never been an issue before. But he never crashed his bike with Philip riding with him before either and Lukas knows how quickly rules can change after something bad happens. He remembers how quickly the rules changed at home after his mom died. He suddenly wasn't allowed to talk about her anymore. His chatter was suddenly something that made his dad mad, and he hardly ever wanted Lukas to invite friends over. The worst thing was that he wasn't allowed to play the piano anymore and his father told him off the one time he tried — his mom had started teaching him to play just a year earlier, and Lukas wasn't good, but she loved to listen to him anyway. He thought maybe playing it again would make him feel better, closer to her, but his dad's anger was so quick and sudden, Lukas never tried again after that one time.

And it's not the same now, but he knows how worried Helen and Gabe are about Philip all the time these days. And it's making them a little overprotective sometimes. He gets it. But he always worries that he'll do something wrong, something that will make them stop trusting him with Philip.

To his relief, Gabe smiles though. "Of course, son," he says. "Do you want me to call your dad and let him know?"

"Could you?" Lukas asks, relieved. 

Gabe gives him a nod. "Get some rest, Lukas," he says. "You guys had a pretty eventful afternoon."

Lukas nods, but when Gabe eases the door shut, Lukas keeps his eyes open. He focuses on the feeling of Philip's body gently moving up and down as he breathes, on the warm puffs of air against his neck and the quiet noises Philip sometimes makes in his sleep.

+

They barely leave Philip's room on Sunday. Lukas can tell Philip is in pain, even though Philip insists Lukas is being ridiculous, and Helen and Gabe agree with Lukas, telling them to relax and rest.

They watch movies on Philip's laptop and nap most of the day away. Lukas leaves after dinner, more than a bit reluctantly. Gabe drives him home, and when they get to the farm Lukas can barely look at his bike — a little busted up but mostly looking okay — sitting in the driveway, where Tony must have dropped it off. It makes his stomach twist, makes him remember those few seconds of them falling, of Philip letting go.

He goes inside and makes up excuses about being tired and retreats to his bedroom quickly. He crawls into his bed, pulls the covers up over himself, and calls Philip.

"How are you doing?" he asks, closing his eyes and picturing Philip sprawled out in his own bed, his curly hair a mess from Lukas running his fingers through it all day and a soft smile on his lips. Lukas likes to think Philip smiles every time Lukas calls and he sees his name pop up on the screen, the same way Lukas does when Philip calls him.

"Same as when you left half an hour ago."

Lukas hums. "Not worse because you miss me?" he tries to tease, and feels proud of himself when Philip snorts out a laugh.

"You're an idiot," he says. "And maybe a little."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Philip admits. "Sunday nights are always the worst."

"And we're back to school tomorrow," Lukas mutters. 

"Will you come pick me up tomorrow morning?"

"Of course," Lukas says. 

"Good," Philip hums. There's a moment of silence, but it feels nice. Calm.

Then Philip says, "Hey Lukas."

"Yeah?"

"What are you wearing?"

Lukas groans, a grin tugging at his lips. "My dad is right downstairs, asshole," he says. "God, you're horrible."

Philip laughs, and Lukas thinks he's a little shit, but it's nice to hear him laugh. To hear him sound so carefree. 

"I'm hanging up now," he threatens.

"No. Don't," Philip says and he still sounds really amused. "I'm sorry. I prefer picturing you not wearing any clothes right now, anyway."

"Philip," Lukas hisses. 

"I'm only wearing underwear."

"You're the worst," Lukas says, but he lets his hands slide down his body anyway. Philip might be just teasing him, but his cock doesn't seem to care. They've never done this; they spend so much time together, they don't really need to, and Lukas really doesn't feel comfortable doing this kind of thing with his dad in the house. He can count the times he's had sex with Philip in his bedroom on one hand, and each time his dad was out of town.

But now, despite the fact that he doesn't have the house to himself, he's tempted. He feels wound too tight, and he barely dared to touch Philip all weekend, afraid he might be accidentally hurting him. 

"Philip," he says, and the word comes out a little stuttered.

"Yeah?" 

"You're really just wearing underwear?" Lukas asks.

He hears Philip exhale, followed by some rustling and the squeak of box-springs. "Give me a second and I will be," Philip says.

+

"Shit, I thought the bike was okay," Philip says when he meets Lukas outside the next morning.

He's walking down the steps to the front porch carefully. Not limping the way he was two days ago, but Lukas can tell he must still be aching from the spill they took.

"Don't worry about it," Lukas says quickly, trying to brush it off. He meets Philip halfway and takes his backpack, then hurries back to his dad's car to open the door for Philip.

"Lukas, seriously," Philip says. "Is it bad?"

"It's okay," Lukas says. The bike is fine, really — the paint is a little scratched in a few places and the fender is a little dented, but that's it. 

But when he got up this morning and thought about driving the bike to school — taking _Philip_ on the bike to school — his stomach twisted in the worst possible way and he just couldn't do it. And he isn't sure what that means. If he'll never want Philip back on his bike, riding with him. He doesn't even want to think about that for now.

"If it's bad, maybe I can chip in. I have some money saved up," Philip offers when they're settled in the car.

"Philip, seriously, don't worry about it," Lukas repeats and leans over to kiss Philip on the cheek. "It's just a few little things."

It's not really a lie. He's going to have to get the fender fixed, but Philip doesn't need to know Lukas could have taken the bike this morning. He'd probably insist that they take a ride together, get back onto it and not let the accident scare them. But Lukas can't do that and he can't have Philip push him on the issue right now.

"Promise?" Philip says. 

Lukas meets his eyes, feeling a little guilty when he nods. "Promise," he echoes.

+

Lukas is pretty sure the hallways are more crowded than usual. He straightens up to make himself look bigger and tries to shield Philip from people. A few times, someone gets close to knocking into them, and Lukas glares at them accusingly.

"You need sunglasses," Philip says when they reach his locker.

"What?"

Philip opens the lock and grins at him, looking so amused and cute Lukas wants to drag him into an empty classroom and lock them both inside for the rest of the day.

"Sunglasses," Philip repeats. "They would go well with the whole bodyguard act you've got going on today."

Lukas rolls his eyes. "Shut up," he mutters, flushing a little. He'd usually nudge Philip, knock their shoulders together, and it takes all his willpower to keep an inch or so between their bodies this morning. 

Philip doesn't seem too concerned about his bruises, because he shifts closer and kisses Lukas's jaw. "Gonna walk me to class?"

"You're annoying," Lukas says. "But yes."

Philip grins smugly. "Let's get moving then, Waldenbeck. I don't want to be late."

"You seem eager to get away from me," Lukas complains jokingly, and Philip snorts.

"Yeah, right," he replies. 

Pleased, Lukas grins and takes Philip's hand in his. "Good, 'cause you better not. You're stuck with me for life," he says, and he feels his stomach flutter warmly when Philip smiles at him.

+

"Careful," Lukas mumbles against Philip's lips, when Philip tries to pull Lukas on top of him.

He rests a hand against Philip's chest and nudges him back.

"Sorry," Philip says, sounding a little breathless. "Did I hurt you?"

Lukas snorts. "No. I'm not the one who is bruised all over, idiot," he says and extracts himself from Philip's arms completely. "Maybe we should watch a movie or something."

"I'm fine," Philip says and sits up, too. He scoots closer and gives Lukas a look. "Come on, Lukas."

"I don't want to accidentally hurt you."

"You won't," Philip says and kisses his throat. He sneaks one hand around Lukas's waist, sliding under his t-shirt, and for a moment, Lukas lets himself enjoy the touch and tilts his head to catch Philip's lips in a kiss. But he draws back after a few seconds and drops a kiss to the bridge of Philip's nose.

"Movie," he says again. "Or we can go for a walk or something, if you want to get some fresh air."

Lukas doesn't really know what good fresh air is supposed to do, but people always suggest it as if it's a magical cure for everything.

After his mother passed away, his aunt used to come over and take him outside because she said the air would do him good. She'd take him to a playground or just for a stroll around the farm, sometimes for a trip into town to get ice cream. Lukas supposes it helped for a short while, distracted him a little, but it never made anything better for him. 

But whenever he came over after he got out of the hospital, he'd still crack open the window in Philip's room before crawling into bed with him, like that would be the thing that would take the pain away and mend the mess he'd made of Philip's life. As if it would help ease his own troubles. And here he is now, doing the same thing again. 

But fresh air can't heal bruises or fix guys who keep hurting their boyfriend.

"You're actually serious about this," Philip says and he sounds like he's about to laugh.

"Yeah," Lukas says. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I have _bruises_ ," Philip says, rolling his eyes. "Remember the first time we had sex, when you had a freaking bullet hole in your chest?"

"That was different," Lukas mumbles, and even he has to admit that that's a ridiculous thing to say. 

He flops back down on the bed and covers his eyes with his arm. Philip tugs it away.

"I'll let you know if I'm in pain, okay?" he says, seriously. Lukas is glad Philip isn't making fun of him, isn't calling him out for being so damn dramatic. He can't help that he worries, that he's scared he'll hurt Philip even more. 

"You have to promise me," he says, and Philip gives him a nod. He lies down next to Lukas, and Lukas shifts onto his side. He palms Philip's cheek and kisses him. He keeps it light, careful, and lets Philip deepen the kiss, push for more. Lets Philip tug and pull at him the way he wants, the way he's comfortable with. 

They don't do much more than making out, and it reminds Lukas a little of how things used to be, when he was reluctant to take things further yet couldn't stop doing this with Philip either. When the possibility of having sex wasn't even on the table, because Lukas was nowhere near ready for it. Lukas doesn't miss those days, not one bit, but lying on Philip's bed, kissing until they hear the front door slam downstairs feels nice. 

Philip's lips are spit-slick and puffy when they finally break apart, and he looks utterly breathtaking. It makes Lukas's heart ache.

"What?" Philip asks after a moment of silence. His cheeks are a little flushed, from making out and from Lukas staring at him, and Lukas wishes he could look like that forever.

"I just kinda love you," he says and, gently, rests his hand over the bruise on Philip's hip, hidden under a layer of denim.

+

"Hey."

Lukas startles, not quite scared, but definitely taken by surprise by Philip's voice.

"What are you doing here?" he asks, putting the book he's been reading down. "Did I know you were coming over?"

It's Thursday, and Lukas dropped Philip off at home after school just a couple of hours ago. He didn't really expect to see him again until the next day.

"Can't I surprise you?" Philip asks. He drops his bag and kicks off his shoes, before getting onto Lukas's bed with him. "What are you reading?"

"Steinbeck," Lukas says and frowns. "I'm not sure I like this one though. Kinda tedious."

Philip picks up the book from Lukas's lap, turning it over, and raises his eyebrows. "Is this mine?" 

"No," Lukas lies. 

He likes taking Philip's books — he has a random mix of books from all kinds of genres, most of them old and tattered copies, because Philip found them at second-hand bookstores or flea-markets. There's something comforting about that, the yellowed pages and bent spines, how they show their age through years of use and abuse. He likes knowing that Philip read them, too, that he's taking in the same words Philip took in at one point, too.

Philip gives him a look and turns the book around so Lukas can see the pages. "That's my writing in the margins, Lukas."

"Huh. Weird," Lukas says, lips twitching up.

Philip hits him over the head with the book. "Book thief," he mutters, and Lukas laughs. 

He grabs the book from Philip's hand and drops it down by his side. Philip crosses his legs, leaning into Lukas's side, and Lukas wraps an arm around his shoulders. 

"Did Helen or Gabe drop you off?"

"Nah, I rode my bike," Philip says. 

"With you knee?" Lukas asks, glancing down at Philip's leg.

"My knee is fine. It's almost been a week, Lukas, it's pretty much healed up by now," Philip says. He shifts against Lukas. "And I wasn't sure if you were busy or not, and how long I was gonna stay. I didn't want to make them drive back and forth."

"I'm never too busy for you," Lukas says earnestly. It's not like he has a lot going on. He's been given a lot less chores around the farm since he got shot. And the stuff he is busy with, Philip is usually there for these days. He tags along when Lukas practices riding and shoots videos of him or takes photos and they do most of their homework together, too, sprawled out on one of their beds.

"I thought maybe you'd be working on your bike," Philip says. "I saw it out in the shed just now."

"Oh. Uh, right," Lukas says, feeling his cheeks get a little hot as he tries to come up with what to say.

"Lukas," Philip says and looks at him. "It's not really broken, is it?"

"No, it is," Lukas insists. "The fender and stuff."

"Uh-huh. But nothing that's bad enough that you can't ride," Philip replies. "You'd be out there, working on it right now, if it was bad. Or you'd have dropped it off at a garage."

He doesn't sound mad, not even disappointed. Lukas isn't sure if that's a good or bad thing. 

He looks down and runs a thumb over his knee, scraping his nail against a loose thread.

"I don't wanna talk about this," he says.

"Well, tough luck, 'cause we are," Philip replies and then, more softly, adds, "Lukas. Come on."

Lukas sighs and meets Philip's eyes. "It's just that…" he starts, feeling at a loss for words. "The accident. You could have gotten hurt."

It's not a real explanation, doesn't explain how the thought of getting into another accident makes his anxiety spike. The thought of Philip getting seriously hurt, of Lukas being to blame for it. As much as he loves his bike, loves riding, he can barely even look at the thing right now.

He hopes Philip gets it. He's usually pretty good at deciphering the gibberish Lukas says, all the thoughts and feelings he doesn't quite know how to express because he never had to, was expected not to.

"I know," Philip says. "But nothing happened."

"This time," Lukas says.

"Lukas, you're a good driver. I trust you. I know I'm safe with you," Philip insists. "Anything could happen, at any time. I could get run over walking across the street."

"Don't say stuff like that," Lukas says, a new knot forming in his stomach just at the thought. He glares at Philip. "It's not funny. It's not… okay."

Philip covers Lukas's hand with his, and Lukas hadn't even noticed he was still tugging at the little string at his knee absently, the hole that's been forming there a little more apparent now.

"Sorry," Philip replies. He leans in and nuzzles Lukas's cheek, pressing a soft kiss to the skin. "I didn't mean it like that. I'm just saying… you can't protect me from everything."

Lukas huffs. He knows that. The world is a crappy place and things happen and he knows he can't control them. But he can try. He can do his best to minimize any threats, to not put Philip in any danger. Maybe wrap him up in layers and layers of thick clothes and bubble wrap.

"No," Philip says.

"Huh?"

Philip smiles at him and taps his finger against Lukas's temple. "I know you. I know the way you think," he says. 

"Yeah? What am I thinking?" Lukas prompts. 

Philip bites down on the corner of his bottom lip, white teeth tugging at the pink flesh. Lukas can see the small gap between his front tooth that way, and he feels his tummy flutter as he stares at Philip's mouth.

"Locking me up in your basement," Philip guesses.

Lukas's mouth twitches up into a smile. "Nope," he says. "I was actually thinking about wrapping you up in bubble wrap."

"You gotta admit I was pretty damn close," Philip says and then scrunches up his nose. "And we're not doing that, ever, so stop thinking about it."

"I don't know. You'd look cute," Lukas teases, and it sounds a lot lighter than he feels. He tugs Philip closer. 

Philip moves around suddenly, lifting a leg up over Lukas's and sitting down on his lap, facing him with a grin.

"No bubble wrap. No basements," he says and cups Lukas's face. He kisses him, a few quick pecks that leave Lukas longing for more, leaning into it. His hands come to rest on Philip's hips.

"No riding the bike?" he asks hopefully.

"No, we're definitely getting back on that bike," Philip says. "We're not going to let fear stop us, okay? We haven't let that happen in the last few months, and we're not going to do that now, Lukas."

Lukas sighs.

"You think I'm not terrified something is going to happen to you?" Philip asks more quietly. "All the time. I'm scared all the time. But that doesn't mean I don't want you to not leave the house ever again, because that's stupid."

"But you on the back of my bike… it's dangerous. It's more dangerous than cars, Philip. If I crash, there's not much protecting you. You could get seriously hurt and it'd be on me," Lukas says. He curves his arms around Philip, pulling him in close. "I don't think I ever thought about it that much before, but now I can't stop."

"What about you?" Philip asks. "It's just as dangerous for you. You plan on never riding the bike again?"

"No. Of course not," Lukas says and he's well aware of the double standard, but it's how he feels. He'll get back on the bike eventually, doubts he could stay away forever.

"So, I have to be safe but you don't?" Philip asks, frowning. 

Lukas shrugs, because he doesn't want to say yes and make Philip mad. It's not that he doesn't care about his safety. But if he hurts himself riding the bike, then it's his own damn fault and that's okay. Philip though — Philip means too much to him. 

"I need you safe, too," Philip insists and rests his forehead against Lukas's. Quietly, his voice barely more than a whisper, he says, "I love you."

And somehow that's the thing that makes Lukas's eyes burn with tears. 

It's not like he didn't know. Philip tells him all the time and he shows it, too. But the last few days he's been stressing out so much, worrying about Philip so much and feeling guilty for what happened, and hearing those words is a little overwhelming even though it's nothing new to him. 

"Philip," he murmurs and angles his face up, pressing their lips together. 

Philip hums, opening his mouth under Lukas's, plush and soft and pliant. 

Lukas licks his way into Philip's mouth, slowly, the way he knows Philip likes to be kissed. He lets the intensity built, doesn't try to push away the neediness he suddenly feels, the way his body aches for Philip.

The sound of their lips sliding together, their labored breathing, is the only noise in the room, but to Lukas it sounds loud, it sounds amazing.

He slides his hands to Philip's ass, palms the firm cheeks for a few moments, and moans quietly when Philip starts rutting against him. 

"I want," he mumbles, and that's it, that's all he feels right now. Want. After the week he's had, he needs this suddenly. Needs Philip close, needs to feel him in his arms and against him. 

Lukas slips one hand between their bodies, feels the hard press of Philip's cock against his hand and gives it a gentle squeeze, Philip gasping into his mouth, before he unsnaps Philip's jeans with fumbling fingers. 

He lets his hand move back to Philip's ass and slides both down the back of Philip's jeans now, under the thin, soft fabric of his underwear. Philip's skin is smooth and hot against his hand.

"Fuck," Philip murmurs and he pushes back into Lukas's touch before he rocks forward again, like he can't quite decide what he wants, what feels better. Lukas hauls him closer, so their bodies are flush together, hard cocks pressing against each other between them. It feels so good, having Philip in his lap. Breathing him in and kissing him and touching him, their bodies grinding together and making pleasure zing through Lukas.

There's heat in the pit of his stomach, and he aches for Philip now. 

"Baby," he stutters out. He slides one finger between Philip's cheek, keeping his touch careful, questioning. 

Philip nods, arching into it. "Yes. Yes," he pants. "Oh, fuck, please."

Lukas ducks his head down. He kisses the sharp jut of Philip's jaw, while his finger flutters over Philip's hole, his touch light. His lips move further down, sucking and kissing, until he's nosing Philip's collarbone, mouthing the soft skin there while he carefully presses his finger into Philip's body. He usually uses lube for this, so he tries to be gentle, tries to pick out any signs of discomfort, but Philip just digs his fingers into Lukas's scalp, writhing on top of him. 

He makes the sweetest little noises, all quiet and wanton, and Lukas presses in deeper. 

Philip's inside are burning hot, and without the lube it's not as easy as it usually is, making him feel tighter and Lukas's stomach is doing somersaults now. He pulls his finger out a little, pushes it back in a little deeper, works Philip open around him.

"Fuck, baby," he mumbles into Philip's skin, and then takes the flesh between his teeth.

He wants to mark Philip up, as much as he wants to be gentle with him. He wants to kiss and bite bruises onto his body, and kiss every inch of Philip tenderly. Wants to press his claim into every bit of Philip, and soothe him with his touches. Wants to take and own, and make Philip feel as cherished and amazing as he can. Wants to make him feel even a fraction of how Philip makes him feel, bring him the pleasure Philip brings him just by existing.

"Want you to come like this," he says and twists his finger, seeking out Philip's prostate.

"Oh fuck," Philip moans brokenly. He moves on top of Lukas as if there are no layers of clothes between them, so wanton and out of control. Lukas's dick is rock hard, pressing against his zipper uncomfortably. 

"Yeah. Yeah, come on," he encourages, knowing Philip likes to hear his voice. He rubs over Philip's prostate, not giving Philip a moment to catch his breath now, and he clutches Philip close with his other hand. 

The sound Philip makes when he comes, a loud breathy moan, is beautiful. He shudders, and Lukas feels the tremble of his muscles, the way he tenses and then relaxes as he releases, and he pushes up against Philip as best as he can, once, twice, three times before he comes, too.

They're clutching each other, slowly coming down, their breathing harsh. Lukas feels Philip's chest move against him as he breathes, and he brushes a few kisses over Philip's neck, curling both arms around Philip to hold him close.

"I love you," he murmurs.

"I love you, too," Philip says and runs his fingers through Lukas's hair. "Which is why we're going to take your bike out for a spin tomorrow."

"Philip."

"Just around the farm or something," Philip adds. "Please?"

Lukas sighs and he knows this is a battle he lost. "Fine."

+

Lukas has to admit that he missed this.

The vibrations of his bike are familiar under him, making excitement curl in his belly. Philip is pressed close behind him, and Lukas can feel him everywhere, his arms like an iron band around him that settles his worries some. 

He doesn't go as fast as he usually does, but the air is still rushing past them and the roar of the engine is blocking out any other sounds. It feels like there's nothing else in the world that exists right now, like it's just him and Philip. 

It's always been his favorite thing about riding with Philip, since day one, the way his whole world narrows down to the bike under him and Philip behind him. Even before he admitted to himself that he liked Philip, riding with him was exhilarating. Freeing. It took him a while to get why — the world around him faded away and it allowed him to be just him, and he's never been more himself than when he's with Philip, when the rest of the world stops mattering for a little while.

The grounds of the Waldenbeck farm are pretty extensive and Lukas knows every inch. He's been thinking about where to take Philip all morning, trying to map out a route that wasn't too bumpy, one that would avoid any unnecessary risks. There are some hills, some rockier areas, but nothing that makes Lukas too nervous.

And by the time he stops the bike, the worry that's been gnawing at his stomach all week has become nothing but a dull throb. He feels lighter, like he can breathe easier. Relieved that they did this and nothing happened, that Philip is okay.

The noise of the engine cuts out as he turns it off and for a moment, there's just silence. He feels Philip shift and slide off behind him, and he tugs his helmet off at the same time as Philip does.

Philip is beaming at him, hair matted down from the helmet, and he runs a hand through it. "That was awesome," he says, and he sounds so genuinely enthusiastic Lukas's heart hurts a little.

"Yeah," he admits, unable to bite back his own smile. "Not too bad."

"Well, if you'd gone a little faster it would have been more than 'not too bad'," Philip mocks. 

"Asshole," Lukas says. He hangs his helmet on the handlebar and throws his leg over the bike, kicking the stand down. Then he reaches for Philip and curls his fingers into his shirt, tugging at it until Philip stumbles closer, wrapping his arms around Lukas's neck. Lukas loves the way Philip melts into him, the way his weight presses against Lukas.

He brushes their lips together, kissing Philip softly.

"You okay?" Philip asks quietly, sincerely.

Lukas nods. "I'm good," he says. "I missed this."

"Me, too," Philip says. "Wanna know something?"

"Hmmm, what?"

Philip nuzzles Lukas's cheek, kisses the line of his jaw. "Always turns me on, riding with you," he says.

It's not exactly a secret. Lukas has felt the evidence more than once, with Philip pressed up so close against him. And sometimes when they come home from a day of riding Lukas's bike, they barely make to their bedrooms before they start pulling at each other's clothes, adrenaline coursing through them. But they've never talked about it, and hearing Philip admit that makes Lukas a little dizzy.

"Yeah?" he asks.

Philip pulls back and gives him a little grin. The one that looks all smug and amused and always gets to Lukas. 

"Yeah," he says, and then he pushes Lukas back.

Lukas stumbles a little, legs ending up pressed against his bike. He sucks in a breath when Philip sinks down to his knees, letting his helmet fall onto the ground next to him.

"Holy shit," he murmurs. "Philip."

Philip looks up at him, smirks, and then undoes Lukas's jeans. The brush of his fingers against him, and the way he looks down on his knees is enough to make Lukas half hard. He breathes in deeply, trying to stay calm, but Philip is about to suck him off out in the open and Lukas heart is beating a million miles a minute.

He moans helplessly when Philip pulls his jeans and boxers down, just enough so that Lukas's cock springs free, and he shudders. He reaches back, propping his hands up on the bike for leverage.

"Are you really," he starts, and Philip laughs and then licks up the underside of Lukas's dick.

"Taste good," he murmurs, and fuck if Philip doesn't know exactly how to drive Lukas crazy.

Philip takes him in hand and strokes Lukas, bringing him to full hardness, and then he holds him steady as he kisses the tip of Lukas's cock and lets his tongue play over it. Lukas moans loudly this time. He tips his head back, eyes sliding closed, feeling his entire body heat up with a flush.

Philip sucks him down slowly, wet tight heat that engulfs Lukas bit by bit. He takes his time at first, doesn't take Lukas in too far. He strokes Lukas while he bobs up and down, and Lukas can barely hold his hips still, can barely stop himself from thrusting into it. 

The fact that they're outside is making nerves and excitement curl together in a wild whirl inside of Lukas. He never thought he'd be into that, was kind of turned off by the thought when Rose wanted to do it — the whole Rose being a girl thing aside — but now it's making his blood boil. He knows, technically, nobody is going to surprise them and see, but it _could_ happen and the more he thinks about it, the more turned on he gets.

"Fuck," he spits out, and Philip hums around him like maybe he knows what Lukas is thinking about. He often does.

He moves his hand down to the base of Lukas's cock and lets him slide in deeper, inch by inch. Lukas tips his head forward again and blinks down at Philip, face buried in Lukas's crotch, kneeling in the dusty, dirty ground. 

Lukas can picture it perfectly, that mouth he adores so fucking much wrapped around his cock, stretched wide, and the pink flush on Philip's cheeks.

"Oh shit, Philip," he gasps, bringing one of his arms to his front, his hand coming to rest on the back of Philip's head, fingers tangling in his hair. 

Philip pulls back, coughing a little. He looks up at Lukas with wet eyes, and then he dives back in. This time, he takes Lukas down more smoothly and then he hums around him, the fucker, and Lukas feels his heart stutter. 

It doesn't take much longer. Lukas feels it — the heaviness in his stomach, the tightness in his balls, the way he feels himself spinning out of control as he crashes over the edge. He barely has time to warm Philip, mumbling his name over and over again.

Philip swallows, holding Lukas by the hips, and Lukas thinks he might black out, pleasure shooting through him and making him shake.

He slumps back, the bike shaking dangerously behind him, and Philip steadies him with his hands.

"Careful," he says, his voice sounding rough, used. Lukas did that to him. His _dick_ did that to him.

"Fuck," Lukas exhales. He tugs at Philip's shoulders, his hands trembling a little, and Philip gets up, meets Lukas's mouth in a hard kiss. Lukas can taste himself, and he moans, overwhelmed and still buzzing with arousal.

He reaches between them, going for Philip's zipper, but Philip brushes his hand away. "Want you to fuck me," he says, and he sounds beautifully needy.

Lukas pulls back. "I don't have anything."

Philip nods. "Let's go back to my place. Gabe and Helen are out," he says. 

"Yeah," Lukas agrees. "Yeah, okay. Just... give me a moment."

Philip laughs, a little smugly, and nods. He leans up, pressing their lips together in a kiss. "Gotta hurry, though," he says. "Want you."

"Shit, Philip," Lukas says, and pulls him in close against him. He just came, but he feels a new wave of arousal wash over him. 

The drive back to Philip's house seems too damn long suddenly, and he can't wait to get there, to undress Philip and spread him out and slide into him. 

And he knows he'll drive a little faster, just to get there quicker. He won't speed, won't go as fast as he's allowed to either — not with Philip on the back of the bike — but he doubts he could go slow either. The weight of the fear has eased, and he feels lighter, freer. 

Part of him still wants to lock Philip up inside, shield him from any danger, but for now he thinks locking himself inside with Philip, for an entire weekend, might be just what he needs.

He bends down and picks up Philip's helmet, passing it over to him.

"Let's go," he says and meets Philip's eyes with a grin.


End file.
